50 shades of So Not Over This

TW: Abusive relationships, emotional/psychological abuse

When I was 13 I met twatface. Things happened. Eventually I took him to court, along with other victims and he was given a 6 year sentence for 4 counts of sexual assault, one count against each of us. All years ago. I’m over it.

And then 50 Shades of Grey came out and it was pretty depressing.

And then the film was made, due to be released on Valentines day, and I am furious. And so I started organising against it, planning to leaflet outside cinemas to outline the differences between Christian’s behaviour and an actually healthy relationship, to try to stop people being quite so enamoured with his abuse.

The internet was pretty sparse with resources we could just print and give out, so I’m making this leaflet myself, which means reading a lot into the details of how Christian is abusive, how Ana feels, etc. And a lot of it hits pretty damn close to home.  This post especially: http://theramblingcurl.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/fifty-abusive-moments-in-fifty-shades.html?m=1  (all the trigger warnings of this post, plus physical/sexual violence) reminded me of specific things he did that made me feel like he was my only option, and I need to put them down somewhere.

He lead a youth group I attended, and we had a routine that he would walk me home afterwards so I could stay out later.  At this point in my life he was the only person who really seemed interested in me. It was the only time I felt like I was special to someone, and yes it helped that he was older and in a position of authority, “If someone that high up is interested in me, thats a big deal!”, type thoughts. He made me feel valued in a way nobody else really did. And of course he used that. Once, our routine was broken because a girl who he considered much more special than me was coming, so he had to walk her home instead.  Which made me feel pretty shit. So, they walked me home together and instead of coming in he left with her.  After this he didn’t talk to me for THREE DAYS because I had been sad. And because the other girl had noticed that I’d been sad, and they’d had a small argument about it. The indication I’d given that I’d been sad? I didn’t meet their eyes as I went in, and I went in pretty quickly. Things that I did because I didn’t want them to realise how upset I was, because it was embarrassing for me.  Literally, I hadn’t been good enough at hiding that I was upset, so he didn’t talk to me for 3 days. And when he did talk to me, it was to blame me for the argument they’d had, and tell me that he was only getting back on speaking terms with me so that it wouldn’t make things difficult with another club he ran. I learnt pretty quickly from that “you are not allowed your emotions unless they are convenient for twatface”.

What I hate most about 50 Shades of Grey is that I have to counter it. That it dares to exist and tell people that this kind of emotional manipulation is the keystone of a sexy relationship. That people dare to defend it as though it doesn’t shape the way people feel about relationships, as though it doesn’t tell every rape victim that their experiences are the sexiest fucking thing since sex.  That in order to counter it I have to go back through things I thought I was over, and realise I am not nearly as past it as I thought I was.


5 thoughts on “50 shades of So Not Over This

  1. dragonbrains

    You might despise me for saying this, but please read the whole of what I have to say. It’s really REALLY good for you that the things you went through are being brought up and that you’re being reminded and having to think about it, because the reason that shit things like PTSD happen is that people bottle their emotions up and never really deal with what happened. The only way to actually help PTSD is to face the past head on and voluntarily look at it, see what happened, and allow yourself to feel what you couldn’t feel but should have felt at the time, like the pain in twatface choosing the other girl over you (and, in retrospect, the anger at yourself for feeling that way).
    I think you are an amazing person, I don’t know if you know who’s speaking right now but I do know you in real life. You’re a very strong woman, and truth be told when I have difficult days with PTSD I sometimes think of you and it helps. No matter how painful the memories that are surfacing are, I know you can get through it. Face them head on with all your mighty strength and don’t let the past overcome you. It’s over, you’re safe now and stronger than ever before.
    You should be super impressed with yourself for working so hard on these leaflets especially with the personal challenges they create. Well done!

    1. bandagedheartliberal Post author

      ❤ I doubt there's anything you could say that could make me despise you (I checked your blog and from the things you posted I know who you are, I love you <3)
      I do sometimes deal with it, at the beginning of my current relationship I'd sometimes get flashbacks and just be like "ok, we need to stop interacting so I can deal with my brain". Its been harder lately though, with having to read so much about and and write about it, like, I've never felt so much pressure to write something perfect-in the past its always been me overreacting about things importance, but this is actually important. But I will do it. I'm really glad I wrote the blog post though, I think I might write these more often when I feel like this, it turned out better than I expected.
      Thanks so much for your message ❤ It really means a hell of a lot to me, as does your friendship in general ❤ I've been incredibly down on myself the past few days and reading this actually made me feel significantly better 🙂 Thankyou so much ❤


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